ArticlesThe idea started out from an idle observation. No matter how morally you behave in life, a significant population think you are going to Hell.
It is a disturbing thought if you just want to be liked. However, I realised there was a way of turning this depressing thought into an opportunity.
If you think people like me are going to Hell, then there is a good chance you think that one of your loved ones went to Hell too.
So, did you have any messages you want to pass on? One of our hand-selected soon-to-die couriers is standing by to memorise a message and pass it on to your loved one in the afterlife.
You set the standards for entry into your definition of Hell, and we will find the person who is headed there. We have a range of death-row prisoners and terminally-ill patients (our unfortunate AIDS-afflicted homosexuals are a particularly popular choice amongst the traditionalists) who are willing to pledge that they will pass on the message – for a reasonable fee.
I mentioned the idea to Matt and Cris who quickly built on it, explaining that to really grow, it needed to be a web-site bringing together the two parties in the transaction, like a dating service. (They suggested grabbing the lavadeath.com domain name, but I had to have it explained to me so they abandoned that idea.)
Cris was worried about the risk of being sued, but I couldn’t see how we could fail to meet our contracts. I was more worried about whether we could get away without hand-selected couriers.
That was when Cris broke the bad news.
Oh well.
Comment by Cassie on May 3, 2006
My favourite Afterlife Telegrams FAQ reads:
Is this legal?
Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?
Maybe you could also combine this business with some sort of mafia hit-man thing, to double the income on each job. You get paid for the message, and you also get paid to send someone to the afterlife (they get the message tortured into them before they go). Of course, when the police start questioning you, you can simply say “But what I’m doing is legal. Why wouldn’t it be?!”
Comment by Cassie on May 3, 2006
BTW, I think if Hell exists, then you are going there. But I still like you anyway. (I’m not sure if you find this less depressing or more depressing.)
Comment by Aristotle Pagaltzis on May 3, 2006
Cassie: by what I’ve seen you write so far, if Hell exists, you’re going there as well; so you can keep him company.
Now that’s a thought of which I don’t know how Julian feels about it…
Comment by Alastair on May 3, 2006
So let me get this right. I can send a telegram to a dead person, but not to a living person?
The world is a strange place.
(Oh and I note with regret that the news organisations seem to have restrained themselves from using the headline “telegrams stop stop”.)
Comment by Cassie on May 3, 2006
Aristotle,
Don’t think you’re getting out of it either. You like the way I think, and you want to watch me fuck Julian’s corpse, so you’re going there too.
So I guess we’ll all keep each other company. Won’t that be fun!
I really tried to keep this one friendly…sigh.