OddThinking

I present a number of free-form, non-traditional odes, written upon my return to my home after several weeks of travelling.

An Ode to My Own Car

Oh, car,
It isn’t just that you have the steering wheel
where I expect.
It isn’t just that you have the indicator stalk
where I expect.
It isn’t just that you have a handbrake
finely controlled by hand rather than foot,
making hill starts possible.
It is also that you have a transmission
that I trust.
And that you put your trust in me –
that I will put the car in Park without nagging.

An Ode to My Own Bed

Oh, mattress, you are firm enough to support my body,
and you don’t creak in complaint.

Oh, pillows, you are not bricks,
but nor are you so soft that
you cannot support my head.
You are also in plentiful supply;
I can use as many as I need,
rather than folding them in half
to hold my head high.

An Ode to My Own Shower

Oh, shower taps –
both hot and cold –
you present an adequate interface.

It is true that you don’t,
as you surely should,
match closer to the problem domain,
by abstracting the concept of pipes,
and instead offer two separate controls
for temperature and pressure.

However, you are by far better,
far, far better,
than the numerous instances
in hotels that I saw
of showers that only offer one control –
one solitary axis –
that controls both of the orthogonal concepts;
temperature and pressure.
Choose a temperature,
take the pressure you are given.
Putting the “force it” back into plumbing.

Oh non-water-saving shower head, you are so wasteful,
you let slightly more water through per minute,
but more wastefully,
you don’t make the shower experience so unpleasant
that it gets terminated as quickly as possible.

An Ode to My Fridge

Fresh seasonal summer fruits;
nectarines, peaches,
apricots, grapes.
Real vegetables.
Not the US definition.
vegetables; lettuce, tomato, cheese and sweet chilli or BBQ sauce
Oh fridge, thank you!

An Ode to My Internet Connection

Oh broadband, how I have missed you.
With your bandwidth, and higher reliability than wireless,
Your lack of firewalls blocking Ze Frank.
And support staff that don’t blame their router issues
on my straight-out-of-the-box browser configurations –
both of them.

An Ode to My Samsung D600

I’m not saying we can be friends,
but it is good that you have got some signal again.

An Ode to My Cutlery Drawer

In the obvious place,
in the kitchen.
With the knives and forks,
(metal, no less!)
placed in the right order.
Heaven.

An Ode to my local Thai restaurant

You specialize in Thai.
Every dish is Thai,
You don’t specialize in “Asian”.
You don’t attempt every local dish
from India, China, Japan, Thailand…

Sure, your menu doesn’t fill
10 letter-sized pages,
but there are no bad choices.

Sure, you are not a franchise.
Even though I like you
I can’t find a clone
in every major suburb.

But your Pad Thai
tastes fresh and crisp,
and not like the noodles
were stewed in peanut
butter for two weeks.

And the price on the menu,
is the price I pay.
No undeclared taxes.
No underpaid staff needing charity
to get a living wage.

An Ode to My TV

You need degaussing,
and there is no option
on the menu,
you heap of
shit TEAC.