OddThinking

I wouldn’t call myself a great cook, but I get by. It is important in life to have a few standby killer recipes. One of those recipes is Apricot Squares.

The secret to Apricot Squares is the subterfuge, which gets you at two levels.

The starting point is the name: it is a trick, but making the name more accurate (for example “Sugar-Fat Squares”) would make it less appetising.

The recipe works in the same way at the taste bud level. Your mature taste buds are intrigued by the fusion of fruit, nuts and coconut, and while they are thus distracted, your immature taste buds goes crazy with the undercurrent of sugar and fat!

Now, you don’t deserve this, but my boss is away, so I am going to do it anyway. I am going to pass on the recipe for Apricot Squares. I don’t care if my family disowns me, and OddThinking gets relegated to the “Cooking Blog” section of Technorati. I think the world would be a better place if we all just had access to more Apricot Squares.

Be careful when transcribing this recipe. It is important that it be typed up on a genuine typewriter with an old ribbon. It is important that it use imperial measures and that they not match the package sizes that you can find in the store. It is important that the paper is yellowed, stained and shows signs of being pinned to noticeboards, taped into scrap books, and keep in a breast pocket (close to the heart) for months by loving cooks.

There is one more thing that you must remember. Double the size of the batch. To help you remember, let me tell you a sad tale.

I used to make single batches of Apricot Squares. They would go quickly – rather too quickly.

So one day, aged about 16, when I was asked to “Bring a Plate” to a BBQ, I had a brilliant idea.

I made a double batch! It was a big break from tradition, and a bold step for me. I had always faithfully followed the original recipe, even as I pondered how hot “moderate” was, and what the difference between shortening and margarine was. This time I made twice as much. (How many grams is 8 ozs. anyway?) I packed up the two halves and carried one to the BBQ.

It was, of course, a huge hit. It always is. It disappeared in no time. Vicki was so pleased to find a sugary snack that met such approval of her diabetic son (apparently this is important) that she asked me for the recipe. In fact, it was so popular, I missed out! I didn’t get any to taste. That didn’t worry me. After all, I had a whole batch sitting at home, waiting for me!

When I got home, I made a beeline for the batch, and saw my family looking a bit sheepish. They had each had a piece of the Apricot Squares, and it was really good, and so they had another piece. They knew that I had a whole second batch so they hadn’t felt too bad when they had started to pig out. Before they knew it, they had, rather shamefully, finished the whole lot. There was none left. Not a single piece. (This feat continues to amaze me.)

I had made a double batch, and had barely tasted a crumb!

This was twenty years ago, and I still feel traumatised and saddened.

So, always make a double batch. On second thoughts, maybe you should play it safe and make a triple batch. Tell me how it goes.

Oh, and save some for me!